You wake up…..its a new day, you don’t want to face the day. Because everyday its like you are drowning…..drowning in a sea called depression.
You want to stay in bed but you can’t, the day waits, adulting waits…so you get up and wash your face. You cried yourself to sleep last night, like you do every night.
you practise your smile in the mirror and you face the day.
When you’re asked, how you are, your standard reply is, ‘I am fine.’
Or you speak christianese, hiding the truth behind Christian jargon.
I am blessed and highly favoured brother, praise God
You know the truth will not be welcomed either way. Because in this times when we are all keeping up appearances, not being fine isn’t okay…it isn’t cool.
So you fake your smile and it is convincing. You know you’d win an Oscar for the performance you’re putting on.
You’ve thought about ending it all. There’s a constant voice in your head telling you to. It whispers things like; swallow a packet of razorblades, slit your wrists, take an overdose, hang yourself
But you grit your teeth and go on with a dreary life.
You tried to reach out once. You tried to let a few people in. Your church fellowship. You felt so proud of yourself because you thought you’re finally getting the help you need. And these are fellow soldiers in the army of Christ.
They were well-meaning Christians but they didn’t understand depression nor how a Christian can be depressed.
They said things like: “You just need to have more faith,”
Or “There must be sin in your life, or you wouldn’t feel like this.”
Or even “If you’d pray harder (read the Bible more, have a deeper walk with the Lord), you wouldn’t have this problem.”
You already felt guilty about everything, those words piled on even more guilt.
They flung Bible verses at you. Bible verses that you know by heart and can recite by rote.
It isn’t what you needed. You needed to not feel alone.
So you keep it in. You hold it in and you smile….
If you’re in the thick of the dark and lonely hell that is depression, I wish I could wrap my arms around you and cry with you, because I know how badly you hurt. Come take my hand and know you’re not alone. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org I am here for you.