We are half way through the year……that means, y’all have just 6 months to go to fulfill those resolutions that were scribbled in 2015 (you know what I’m talking about).
I know I have been a sporadic poster these last two months and that I preferred to hand the reins to awesome people like Larry and Paul .
There’s a reason for this. March, April and May have been the weirdest and longest three months of my life.
Some things happened and some things were said that just shook my confidence, confidence in God and in myself.. I have been going through the literal ” valley of shadow of death.”
I wasn’t before but I think, I’m just about ready to talk about the things that happened…
At the beginning of April, My 24-year-old cousin died. A kid that had a lot to live for but his life ended just out of the blue and that just confused the hell out of us….one day he was here, the next day he wasn’t.
My heart was and still is broken over this loss. At the time, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and weep for a soul lost too soon. I didn’t have the luxury of that though, I had to be strong for my family.
This death led me to question my belief in a God that would allow such a senseless thing to happen to a child that had so much going for him.
You know, that old question we all ask when we are stuck in a situation we can’t understand. “How could a benevolent God condone such injustice.”
The answer, I don’t know, but I am choosing to trust Him either way. I’m grateful that through my pain and sadness He was there.
I don’t know why Rafael had to die so young…..but I do know beyond doubt that he is in a better place, may his soul rest in eternal peace…..till we meet again, brother-mine.
We got some pretty devastating news. My baby sister had undergone a surgery in February and they found that she had a tumor. The doctors were able to remove the tumor and a biopsy later found that this tumor was cancerous.
She had to go through a few rounds of Chemotherapy. Now that’s some scary stuff.
To give you a short back story, my mother and father died a few years ago…I’ve been fortunate enough to be adopted by two amazing people but…..she is my baby.
I was running scared for a few weeks until I realized that wasn’t helping anyone, least of all her.
I had to believe that she was going to be okay. That she already is okay. The power of belief….. She, who was 40kgs is now at 59kgs and still adding weight and stronger than ever.
Esteem of Self
As I mentioned before, some things were said that shook my confidence and made me uncertain and plunged my self esteem to the lowest it has ever been.
Every day I stared at a mirror I asked myself this, “what is wrong with you?”
The answer was always a variation of, “you’re not good enough.”
So to mask this pain of rejection, mind- numbing activities were welcome. I read novels I swore I would never read…novels with titles like; the master’s love, the bad boy’s girl (pretty good book by the way, find it on Wattpad), not my bad boy. Watching ridiculously plotted telenovelas……Things that didn’t make me think too hard.
I would also eat to keep from crying. Eat and eat some more.
I’ve always been a big girl, but after that binge eating, I am now an unhealthy big girl.
I’ve just started doing a few exercises to get me back to healthy.
I will get there….I’m determined that I will.
It’s sort of genius the way our identity is attacked by the devil. This is core of who a person is.
Not being certain in who you are can have disastrous consequences for anyone.
I forgot who I was. I forgot that I am a child of the most High. I forgot because of the circumstances around me. I was too preoccupied with everything else that was going on around me and happening to me I didn’t realize I was drowning in self pity.
I can’t tell you how this happened. I guess I just got to tired of being a victim to my circumstances.
One day I looked in the mirror and I decided not to see a person that was not good enough. I decided to see me as I am and not what people tell me that I am.. A perfectly, imperfect human being perfected by God. Broken by life, held together by God’s glue… Smiling through the storm.
I am a broken crayon, but I still colour perfectly. 🙂
I am still learning, still growing. Life really is a series of growing pains..
Step by step. Some days are worse than others but I’m grateful to a God whose perfect love is availed to me freely and is perfected me daily.